The Taboo
by TeamVampire
Summary: A series of humorous one shots centred around the Taboo and my exploration of the possibilities.
1. The Name

**It's a good thing Voldemort isn't a common name, otherwise the Taboo put on it in the seventh book would have disastrous consequences. Imagine if he was still going by Tom...**

**Dedicated to iPunched-a-werewolf-in-theFACE and owed1yellowporsche, who I can always count on to give me exactly what I need. Intelligent conversation.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of this, particularly not the transformation of Taboo from an adjective to a noun.**

The Name

Third Person POV

All was quiet at The Leaky Cauldron, the late night stragglers drifting off. The landlord was wiping down the bar in preparation for closing time. One of the few people left got shakily to his feet, stumbling slightly.

"You all right, there? D'you need me to call you the Knight Bus?" asked the old landlord.

"Nah, I'll be fine. Just need to get my balance back," replied the patron, turning to leave.

"If you're sure," said the old man uncertainly.

"Of course! You have a good night, Tom."

Immediately, loud cracks filled the air as masked, hooded figures appeared. They wasted no time in apprehending old Tom and the drunkard, and hauling them off to Azkaban.

"But I'm telling you," protested Tom, "that's my name!"

**Good, not great. So, just to be clear, these are all one shots that do NOT follow a storyline of any sort. They just relate back to the same topic.**

**Ugh, aren't I enough of an egotist? Must I actually indulge myself by asking for more reviews? Ah well, I still have some time before my over inflated head explodes, so review.**

**-TeamVampire**


	2. Pranking Voldemort

**Fairly self explanatory. Just all the fun you could have.**

**Dedicated to my niece. Fingers crossed she turns out to be a Harry Potter fan.**

**Disclaimer: I'm sure Harry's already thought of this, but never got around to doing it. So I suppose I can't even take credit for the idea. So, I own nothing.**

Pranking Voldemort

Third Person POV

Harry, Ron and Hermione strolled casually into the crowded store. It was milling with muggles, absorbed in their midday shopping.

Standing right in the center of the busy chop, but still in clear view of the exit, Harry turned to his cohorts and smirked.

"Voldemort," he whispered, and they bolted outside, just as the sound of several people Apparating reached their ears.

* * *

Voldemort waited calmly, if a little impatiently, at the Malfoy Manor. Soon his servants would return. Then he would know who had been foolish enough to speak his name, and the perpetrator would be punished.

His Death Eaters walked through the door at that moment, and he was infuriated, but not surprised, to see they bore no prisoner.

"I am sorry, my lord. They tricked us, again," explained Bellatrix. "Once we arrived, there were only muggles. Just like the park and the pool."

"I'll get you yet, Potter!" Voldemort screamed at nothing in particular.

**Not bad. Nice use of alliteration. Ahaha, I'm reviewing my own fic! Before I've even posted it... Anyway, tell me what you think! I can imagine them doing that, just to annoy dear old Voldemort. You know, he's quite old. Over 70 when they killed him.**

**-TeamVampire**


	3. The Ambush

**Forgive me if it's not funny. It's a little too similar to my last chapter for my liking, but I thought I'd see if I can manage to get a few more reviews out of this thing.**

**Disclaimer: I think this is my 21st disclaimer, so no, I don't own Harry Potter.**

The Ambush

Third Person POV

The entire Order of the Phoenix was gathered in a small clearing in the forest, just a few dozen miles from the outskirts of Hogsmeade. Each of them held their wand at the ready as they glanced around edgily.

Kingsley Shacklebolt took a deep breath, and nodded to Remus Lupin. Remus grimaced as everyone else tensed, and opened his mouth.

"Voldemort."

Half a dozen hooded, masked wizards appeared in the center of the clearing – each making a loud cracking sound – and raised their wands. However, they weren't fast enough; before any of the Death Eaters could utter a curse, jinx or hex, the members of the Order had hit them with an array of spells. The servants of the Dark Lord now lay, twitching, on the leafy ground.

"Well," said Bill, pocketing his wand. "I think that went great. Shall we do it again?"

"Certainly," replied his father. "As long as You-Know-Who's too stupid to realize we're doing this on purpose, the rest of his Death Eaters will end up just like the last four groups he's sent out."

**Okay, well, I chuckled a bit at the end. I have a habit of ending with dialogue that shows just how idiotic people are... Ahaha, I love Voldemort.**

**Anyway, if you can ignore the terribleness and find some part of you that actually _wants _to review, do so.**

**-TeamVampire**


	4. The Accident

**Okay, worst one yet, but I couldn't get the idea out of my head.**

**What if a highly coincidental stream of words was uttered? And what if it just so happened to sound _exactly_ like a certain Dark Lord's name?**

**Disclaimer: Most unfortunately, I own this idea. Furthermore, I _don't_ own Harry Potter. Will the tragedies never end?**

The Accident

Third Person POV

Bob and Jane Smith were sitting in their completely average, middle-class, muggle home, sipping tea. Their dog, Oldie, lay under the table, wheezing due to some obscure sickness that would soon take his life.

Jane stirred her tea worriedly, her forehead furrowed. Bob sat there rather unconcernedly, humming in his head.

"Oh, Bob," said Jane finally. "We just _have_ to come up with a way to save Oldie." Then, noticing her husband's teacup was empty, she added, "More tea?"

Bob was about to decline when a cloaked figure that appeared behind his wife's chair with a loud crack, shocking him into speechlessness. At the exact same time, a cloaked figure appeared behind his own chair, also with a loud crack. However, Jane was not speechless. She let out a loud scream before it was abruptly cut off as one of the strangers pointed a stick at her.

The two hooded individuals nodded to each other, then grabbed the muggles and disappeared.

Later, in Voldemort's lair – commonly known as the dining room at Malfoy Manor – the Death Eaters were explaining their actions to a very ticked off Dark Lord.

"So, you see, my lord, we thought they must know about you. Why else would they have said your name?"

"It's quite possible for my name to be formed through a highly convenient group of words used in everyday speech! Didn't you stop to think about that? Imbeciles! I'll be the laughing stock of the whole ministry for this! And the Order, too!" Voldemort screeched.

**For anyone who didn't get it (I expect there to be quite a few), just try saying this out loud, "Save Oldie. More tea?" Pathetic, I know.**

**And for anyone who _still_ doesn't get it (now it's kind of weird if you don't), starting at the end of "save" and ending at the start of "tea", it sounds like Voldemort.**

**-TeamVampire**


	5. Alternate Universe

**Sometimes I still have little ideas that make me giggle.**

**Disclaimer: I DISCLAIM EVERYTHING, especially that bit of **_**Philosopher's Stone**_** dialogue at the start.**

* * *

Alternate Universe

"'My dear Professor, surely a sensible person like yourself can call him by his name? All this "You-Know-Who" nonsense – for eleven years I have been trying to persuade people to call him by his proper name: _Voldemort_.' Professor McGonagall flinched, but –"

"Aha! There's no escape this time, Pott–" Voldemort glanced around at the small crowd of youths in front of which he had Apparated. "–er. Ah… Where is the Potter boy?"

There was a moment of stunned silence as seventeen children and one adult stared at the man who had interrupted the library reading session. Before Voldemort could start throwing hexes around, however, the silence was broken, as silences often are, by the obnoxious voice of someone who thinks far too much of his own opinion.

"Cool cosplay, man!"

This triggered a flood of similar sentiments from the rest of the gathered children – not to mention the adult, who hurriedly pulled out a camera phone.

As Voldemort was buried under hugs and photo requests, he lamented the Taboo's ability to transcend realities and resolved to look into a solution as soon as he returned to his world. His first trip into this foreign universe may have been fascinating, and the second and third hilariously embarrassing, but this was beginning to get a little ridiculous.

* * *

**I wish Voldemort would Apparate to my house when I read to my niece (the one who got the chapter two dedication all those years ago and is indeed now a HP fan).**

**-TeamVampire**


End file.
